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Chapter 4: Stop Seeking Approval
We approval seekers are individuals who will do anything to get affirmation and acceptance from other people.
Approval seekers like me tend to believe that we're being great (saintly! angelic!) when we let other people have their way with us in exchange for a hit of praise. The individuals in our lives are likely to reward our sickness, as we'll do pretty much anything to please them, and what's not to enjoy about that?
Here's what: Being dependent upon approval—so dependent that we trade away all our time, energy, and personal finances to get it—wrecks lives.
Approve Of Yourself
In our world of blended cultures and customs, we might face countless moral codes, all different from each other. There's simply no way to earn approval from each of these disparate origins; attempting to do so will make you feel even more insecure. Rather, clearly specify your own moral code and then stick with it whether or not other people approve.
Right now consider something you plan to do in the coming days that you don't wish to do: host a boring guest, send greeting cards to people you scarcely know, overspend to the point of severe financial strain. Then make believe that your best friend, instead of you, is the one pondering this action. What would you say is her ethical obligation? Don't think manners; think ethical code. Would it be sincerely unethical for your friend to invite only people she likes, or send out no greeting cards, or purchase fewer presents? Take a little time working out your true beliefs.
If you resolve your objectionable plans aren't ethical requirements, but you do them anyhow, you're selling out. Anything we do entirely to please other people, in the absence of either true desire or ethical necessity is a way of selling ourselves, our lives, and our power.
Ask yourself whether the dosage of approval you look to gain from this behavior is worth losing a piece of the true you. I would be the last one to label you if the answer is yes. All I expect is that you be cognizant that this is selling out, not virtuousness.
Among the most beneficial ways to break your dependency on approval is to arrange up a situation in which the sole way to acquire approval is to get disapproval. To utilize this technique, call an acquaintance, tell her you're going out to acquire some disapproval, and ask her to shower you with praise later. It works even more if you have several individuals—your best chums, your therapy group, your stitching circle—waiting to hear the narrative of your uprising.
The brilliance of the strategy is that whether or not you carry through with your intents, somebody is going to disapprove. Finding out how to deal with that may prevent a lifetime of selling out.
Are you committed to saying yes to each request? Are you fatigued from accepting every invitation to help other people in one way or another? Do you find yourself finishing tasks for other people before attending to your responsibilities?
I've often found myself in YES domain. In Yes domain the sole answer that matters pleases somebody else. How do you say no to colleagues, loved ones, and friends when you're overwhelmed? It's not simple to say no, but it's essential in order to maintain healthy limits.
Arrive at a list of reasons why you feel the want to please other people. How do you feel when you agree to a request that causes you to overextend yourself? If you're perpetually displaying this type of conduct, tension, anxiety, stress, and physical exhaustion are inevitable.
Make healthy limits. Individuals will persist in taking as long as you give. It's crucial to understand when you reach your limit. If you don't make boundaries and convey your expectations effectively, you'll continue to feel overpowered.
Accept yourself. Why are you saying yes to so many requests? Are you looking for approval from other people? Is your need for approval linked to prior events in your life? Be truthful with yourself, quit seeking approval, and recognize that true love isn't contingent on your reaction to please others.
Don't regret your reaction. What good are you to yourself if you spend all of your time pleasing other people? The individuals in your life will learn to live with a no from you, or they'll ask somebody else. You must walk in truth, and walking in truth entails giving an honest reaction to a request!
Chapter 5: Stop Impulse Spending Tactics
Shopping isn't simply a woman's thing. Studies demonstrate that men and women were nearly equally likely to be compulsive buyers. They do shop differently, though. Men tend to shop more in a "work" form and women are more "leisure time" shoppers. Women—who tend to be other-oriented and relationship-centered—tend to purchase apparel, jewelry, cosmetics, and appearance orientated goods. While men—who tend to be self-oriented and activity-centered—often buy electronics and sporting goods, chiefly functional goods. Men and women likewise relate differently to what they have...women treasure their emotional and symbolic possessions, while men prefer their functional and leisure items.
Likewise, men's shopping is more culturally accepted. We tend to see men more as consumers and collectors, but not shoppers. While a woman's buying habits are frequently seen as self-indulgent and insignificant. Call it what you will, the fact is that both genders are subject to severe abuses when it comes to purchasing behavior.
Ways To Curb Buying
Be a private detective around your purchasing behavior. Distinguish the cues or triggers that lead to over shopping or overspending, e.g. a foul day at work, a battle with a mate, feeling lonesome, blase, or in need of pay back, spare time, or the holidays maybe.
Seek patterns and associations. It's crucial to recognize that shopping is an equal opportunity, general-purpose mood changer, but works only temporarily. After a brief while, your mood will frequently dip even below where it was previously as now the shame and the remorse are imparted to it.
View the outcomes of your over shopping. In what regions of your life is it costing you? Financially? Emotionally? Socially? Occupationally? Spiritually?
Pick out somebody in your life to be a buying back up chum and brainstorm together about how that individual will support you to quit over shopping.
Anticipate that you might very likely feel sorrier before you feel better, since the anesthetic qualities that the purchasing supplied are now gone.